When I was four years’ old, I was saddened by the fact that I would not get to travel to every place, meet every person or hear every joke. As an adult, I have concluded that that might not be such a bad thing, but there is still a sadness surrounding travel. I suffer from the deep-seeded belief that I am unworthy of good things happening to me and therefore, traveling is on that list.
For me, my unworthiness comes in the form of fear, especially when it comes to spending money on things that are extravagant. In my mind, something extravagant can be something like a massage or a manicure. As for traveling, that seems like something that is way too awesome for someone like little ole me. The level of fear surrounding a vacation can be on par with the thought of jumping off a cliff.
For years I’ve sat back and watched from the sidelines as friends flew to Vegas for the weekend or as they went on yearly trips to Hawaii or rented cabins in Montana. These excursions always seemed like they were out of my league. So, when a close friend of mine asked me to come live with her in New York for the summer, my unworthiness reared its ugly head in the form of a million reasons why I couldn’t go. What about my apartment? What about work? I shrunk to the size of a pea, all the while thinking, yeah right, this is not possible.
Fast-forward two months and I’m sitting here with a round-trip ticket to New York, my bags are packed and I’m not standing in my own way. How did I push through my feelings of unworthiness to get to the other side? I knew that I had to challenge my thought-process first and foremost. Here are the steps I took to do that.
One Solution at A Time
I listened to Carrie Fisher’s words.
“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to be confident. Just do it and eventually, the confidence will follow.”
I started to just do.
I took my rational fears surrounding money and my apartment and dealt with them one at a time. I told my friend in NY that if I found someone to sublet my apartment, I would take her up on her offer. I rented my place within one day and had the check for the full amount for the apartment by the end of the week. With that money, I bought my plane ticket and had a little buffer to pay for a month of living expenses if I needed. For work, I sent out three resumes a day to every company looking for freelance writers—if I have a laptop, I can work from anywhere. I even started looking for jobs at little shops around New York and started emailing everyone I know so that I could get some leads in case I wasn’t able to pick up any writing work.
Give Yourself Some Credit
Being productive didn’t curb the low hum of anxiety that haunted me all throughout the day. For each task I performed towards my trip, there were five new fear thoughts to go with it. I would worry about the guy renting my place being psycho, I’d freak out about the lack of responses to the resumes I’d sent out and telling my boss at my full-time job that I was taking a leave of absence was burning a hole in my stomach. I wasn’t sleeping, I was paralyzed to spend money on even my basic needs. I had to nip this panic feeling in the bud or I was going to give myself an ulcer.
I had to start challenging my negative self-talk. By this, I mean that I had to come to terms with the fact that somehow guys, I’ve managed to keep myself alive to one degree or another so far. I had to realize that I have literally survived every problem that I have ever been faced with. I decided that I could use that same resourcefulness towards my travel goal. No matter what was going to happen, I was going to figure it out. I needed to trust in myself and know that I have my own back. I started saying I trust myself every time I would have a fear-thought.
Re Brain-washing Myself
My negative thoughts came from many years of conditioning, so I needed to be even more disciplined with my spiritual and mental practices so that I could condition myself into a better way of feeling about this trip. I began waking up earlier and spending 15 minutes meditating. I’d start with a question. What would it feel like if the entire Universe was pulling everything together to make this trip a success? Then I would just try to feel what that would feel like if that were true. After, I would sit and mentally high-five the Universe to the point of genuine enthusiasm and gratitude.
I started walking in the morning while listening to the audio books of teachers like Abraham Hicks and Dr. Joe Dispenza. I picked out a mantra and burned it into my neural pathways. All throughout the day whenever fear thoughts rained down, I’d answer them with an Instagram meme from @thinkgrowprosper that reads, “I believe I am worthy of what I desire. I am ready to receive.” Then I would imagine the whole Universe high-fiving me!
The hardest part about traveling for me wasn’t paying for the flight, it wasn’t finding someone to rent my place, the hardest part about traveling was believing that I was worthy enough to do it. Planning this trip made me realize that I am capable of more than I have ever given myself credit for and how powerful my mind can be when I take the reins from it. I’m not cured of my all unworthy feelings but I know that they can’t stop me from seeing every place I can.
Megan Vigil is an avid follower of self-improvement and self-empowerment. Her daily goals are usually focused on how much more love she can allow in her life.